Love Life Live Free

Looking up and contraception.

2009-10-07T01:22:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone, I know its been a while but ive been avoiding everything "anxiety" and everything "depression" for the last week or so. I feel like reading about how ive felt brings up the feelings quicker and ive had a really good last few days! Ive had a couple of times where ive felt depressed but thankfully the anxiety is at bay!

Im enjoying things that i thought id never enjoy again! Like walking the dog, watching tv that isnt childrens tv and also seeing friends. I feel so positive yet im still worried about the loom of doom! (the anxiety)

Its hard to explain to people though. Im at a work placement in a school reception class at the moment and its really hard to explain to my placement supervisor why ive had time off and why i keep needing to go to the doctors. I told them right off why because i learnt from the last time i held back about it and it makes things awkward. I still havent fully told my work (paid work) yet because i dont really know who to tell as the managers have all switched around so it makes things complicated.

On another hand, i had my implanon implant out yesterday because i had a nagging feeling that it was fueling the anxiety and depression and that if theres a chance it was causing it i was glad to be rid of it! Although i am sad, its a bit like an end of an era and i hope its not the start of a new one as im not planning to have children any time soon! I was really worried about having it out because of the pain and i realised "Wow, im actually feeling normal, i feel worried ABOUT something that actually related to the feeling" It was crazy lol I know i sound crazy but ive not actually been anxious about something that makes sence for about 6-7 weeks now and finally im worried about having a mini op! woop! go me! But yeah it was scary, i was by myself but in the end it wasnt as bad as having it in!

Having it in was like having a big injection with painful numbing stuff before hand, this time the numbing stuff (im avoiding spelling the real word as i cant be bothered to google the right spelling) wasnt as bad and i couldnt feel them cutting the scar open and getting the little bugger out! Im paying today though, I woke up in the night and it was very sore under the bandage and i could feel it pulsing but this morning it feels like somone has punched my arm repeatedly lol Il survive!

I have college today which im going to force myself to go to, it seems like forcing myself wont be too hard today because i kind of want to go in. Not sure why! Wednesdays are pretty boring overall but Il see my friends.

But I know this isnt the end of my anxiety and depression i still need to battle some demons that i chose to push away 4/5 years ago and they keep popping up threatening to ruin my life so more on that later.

Thanks for comments in advance :)

Day 3 Citalopram and Forced outtings!

2009-09-30T09:58:00.000-07:00

Had to force myself out today, I had to go to the post office to get my tax disc, which unfairly is about £20 more than most peoples cars for 6 months, and i think i almost had an anxiety attack. I couldnt breath properly and felt really nervious and i managed to sort myself out by humming a song in my head and after that i was a bit shaken for the day at college.

I was alright at college today though, at first i stillfelt like a bag of nerves and a bit spaced out but at least i wasnt dizzy all day today like the other day. I dont know i just had a horrible sence of "empty" today, felt like i couldnt concentrait and if eel a bit like ive got a headache coming on. All side effects of citalopram though so as long as they go i dont mind having them for a few weeks!

I still feel worked up over how i felt about my boyfriend, The thought of seeing him again doesnt make me upset, just the thought of him coming next weekend really worked me up at the time now i dont really have any thoughts over it. Like i dont feel like "omg i have to see him now" or "i dont ever want to see him" i just feel like im waiting calmly for when he comes next. When i feel especially bad i do want him there to comfort me and stuff just i feel messed up as it is in my head and im trying not to have new things to worry about. I hope this depression goes quickly as i want us to be getting on track again, i feel like im the one rocking the boat all the time. I want him to know i do love him and want to be with him because i do and ive told him this already.

I guess i just feel hopeless at the moment like i cant do anything to distract myself. Tv is boring, cant read books because of the lack of concentraition. If im on the internet i obsess over the website for anxiety and i keep looking up my problems and its annoying and doesnt help. Theres never anything to do.

Begining of something?

2009-09-29T09:28:00.000-07:00

I thought id start a Blog.

Im currently suffering from sever anxiety and depression and sometimes just feel i need to put down in words how i feel and what happens to me when i get anxiety.

I think about people I know reading this is litterally cringe, but what can i do? Just hope no one comes across it i guess! Its silly to think that people might read this and its silly to think im writing this to someone although there may never be anyone on the other end reading this!

Today has been a hard day, I started Citalopram (10mg), an antidepressant, last night to try and lift my mood up and from experiance before i took it in the evening as i know i get tired on it. My god was i tired on it. I woke up this morning feeling like id been ran over, my arms were heavy, my head was foggy, i was tired, drowsy, dizzy and i felt sick. I didn't want to get out of bed but when i did i couldn't stand up properly. Right, 7.30 am and i cant stand! I had to leave at 8am to get to my work placement and the thought of driving made me really sick.

After attempting to stand up again i felt really sick and threw up. So i had no choice, i couldnt drive clearly or i would have had an accident, so i phoned the school up and said i wouldn't be ill. I felt really bad because its the 3rd time ive had off! I had yesterday morning off to go to the doctors and my blantant lie of "I was sick in the night" made me feel really bad. But i cant just tell anyone about how i was feeling. "Hey yeah i wont be in as im having a sort of antidepressant hang over!" its as bad as saying "Sorry not working today i drank too much last night" Its embarassing too, people never understand what its like to actually be depressed or have bouts of anxiety! So i took today to get used to the drug and try to sleep off some of the tiredness.

Its not like i just had a nice fun day off doing whatever i felt like. I was bored because i dont want to go out, i considered going to my mums and decided it wasnt worth the walk there as i would just want to be at home when i got there, so i stayed in and had a few minor attacks of anxiety.

Last night i had a pretty bad anxiety/depressive attack of "Why dont i feel like seeing my boyfriend next weekend" it sounds petty i know but the thought clung in my head and went round and round and my irrational mind at the time seemed to stick with "Well if you dont want to see him, you probably wont miss him tomorrow, you want him to go home now so you cant love him" and i aruged that because i do love him. I just felt yesterday like i spent a nice amount of time with him and that was that and it was time for him to go home. I feel withdrawn as it is and now have figured its the depression. But i was so upset i wanted to die, i felt backed into a corner of "Im never going to stop having anxiety over my boyfriend so i migth as well give up, id rather give up then live with this forever" but he got really upset and i felt really bad. I told him "i dont feel like seeing you next weekend" because i didnt and i just get this knot in my stomach thinking about it. I willsee him in 2 weeks like normal. Its not like i want to not see him, when im with him its nice (providing i dont have another depressive edpisode) just looking to the future for me makes me feel sick. I dont want to think about anything but tomorrow.

So today i just felt bad about that all day, had a few soft palpatations, a wierd trapped nerve twitch in my eyebrow and everytime i thought of family or my boyfriend i just got the symptoms all over again.

It sucks, the only people who could get what i go through are the people who have what i have or are going trhough similar things. I hate that people say "oh yeah i felt depressed before when my boyfriend dumped me" you have no bloody idea what its like, really, you cant just make a passing comment on depression,its not like being upset, i wasnt depressed when my grandad died i was upset and sad but depression is a whole new ball game. The simple task of washing was a nightmare this morning i just wanted to lay in bed all day. I did though and i managed everything else but my mood has been fluctuating so its not been so bad.

I dont think i have depression severly, but even minor depression is a hard thing to overcome.

I just want the anxiety to stop, i dont need to worry about why i dont want to see my boyfriend. When i do see him i know it will be ok so it doesnt matter. I just wish my stomach would stop having butterflies in it.

My new "motto" if thats what you want to call it is going to be "Love Life Live Free" that doesnt mean il be able to stick to it, but if i learn to enjoy the life im having maybe il be able to live free of depression and anxiety.